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We have ants. They crawl all over our apartment and I swear the little bastards are in my pants feasting on my pathetic bocy as I write. I noticed them coming around a while back and quickly blamed my roommates for the infestation. Time goes on and the ants increase in numbers. Then one day as I'm making a peanut butter and honey sandwhich to take to work I notice ants all over my hand as i put the honey back into the cupboard. Well, I hurriedly swatted the ants from my soft, pale, office-worker hand. I Washed the honey jar and cleaned the cupboard and figured that problem was taken care of. The whole way to work and half way into the working day I was scratching. I could not decide if I really had literal ants in my literal pants or if I was playing tricks on myself with my evil mind powers. And why would my mind want to play tricks on me anyway? That's not cool.

The ants were still there when next I opened the cupboard. What were they eating? The honey residue had been washed form the jar so why were they still here? I threw the bottle out. Problem solved. Wrong. Now they were crawling all over the peanut butter jar. I shook them off and now i have to keep my peanut butter in the refrigerator. I don't mind cold peanut butter but it's awfully dififcult to spread evenly over a flimsy piece of bread. In addition I have this uneasy suspicion that an ant fell into the peanut butter and eventually made it into a sandwhich. Once in the sandwhich the ant would wait until lunch time at which point I would eat the sandwhich and the ant would enter my system to infect me from the inside. Once inside me this little ant would mutate and asexually produce a breed of über änts. These über änts would feast on my body üntil it was nothing more than a lifeless sack of über änts. These new änts would spring forth from my cocoon body and infest the world armed with an insatiable hunger for peanut butter and honey. What I'm saying is . . . we still have time to save the worlds peanut butter cache. Honey pratically makes itself and if my intuition is correct, the ants need a combination of peanut butter and honey in order to support the assexual "budding" process through which they generate progeny. If we are able to secure one of these two elements we can starve the über änts into submission and turn them on our enemies. Only then will the rest of the world recognize their futility in arguing against American supremecy. I may die but if I do I pray you will not let it be for nothing.

That was weird. Suffice it to say the ants are still around, though I cannot find a trail. I keep looking for food sources to extinguish and send the ants packing but they still have scouts who are sure to bring the masses out again if they find a stash of sucrose in some hidden place. I'm still not sure if I really have ants all over me or if it's a mind trick or if maybe one of my alternate personalities is possibly a drug addict and I'm totally high right now.

Häppy hölidays fööls!