The Old Prof

If you've ever walked the Las Vegas strip you've been confronted by the hordes of illegal aliens employed distributing free guides to the sexual pleasures the city of sin is home to. Maybe you've even collected the business cards that are akin to baseball cards but for strippers.

I used to think that Las Vegas was the only place that had that sort of thing. I was wrong. I would actually be surprised if they didn't have something like that in New Orleans. I remember walking to have breakfast at Brennan's in N.O. with my parents on a vacation and seeing some pretty risque ads on the outside of the many strip clubs we passed along the way. My dad had a thing for doing that now that I think about it. When we were in NYC for a day he walked us through 42nd street past all of the adult video stores and strip clubs. He said he thought we should see it. I wasn't quite sure what I ws allowed to look at. I was with my parents for cryin' out loud. I was just trying avert my eyes from as much as I could possibly get caught looking at. These trips were both in my early teens; a few years back, now. Anyhow, I've discovered that Las Vegas is not the only city peddling sex this way, we just do it more profusely. This post is not, however about moralizing and pontificating.

Walking home from work yesterday I past one of the many sets of newpaper machines and was reminded that San Francisco has one of these type of escort service newspapers like Vegas. Most of them are placed in the area of Market St. where the strip clubs are. Now, I don't remember the names of any of these paper mags distributed in my home town but nothing as remarkable as that of SF's very own. So, if you ever visit San Francisco and need a date be sure and stroll down market street. Along the way you'll find newspaper machines carrying the latest edition of "YANK." Ah, the subtlety.

Posted by Old Prof at 12:55 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

If you've ever walked the Las Vegas strip you've been confronted by the hordes of illegal aliens employed distributing free guides to the sexual pleasures the city of sin is home to. Maybe you've even collected the business cards that are akin to baseball cards but for strippers.

I used to think that Las Vegas was the only place that had that sort of thing. I was wrong. I would actually be surprised if they didn't have something like that in New Orleans. I remember walking to have breakfast at Brennan's in N.O. with my parents on a vacation and seeing some pretty risque ads on the outside of the many strip clubs we passed along the way. My dad had a thing for doing that now that I think about it. When we were in NYC for a day he walked us through 42nd street past all of the adult video stores and strip clubs. He said he thought we should see it. I wasn't quite sure what I ws allowed to look at. I was with my parents for cryin' out loud. I was just trying avert my eyes from as much as I could possibly get caught looking at. These trips were both in my early teens; a few years back, now. Anyhow, I've discovered that Las Vegas is not the only city peddling sex this way, we just do it more profusely. This post is not, however about moralizing and pontificating.

Walking home from work yesterday I past one of the many sets of newpaper machines and was reminded that San Francisco has one of these type of escort service newspapers like Vegas. Most of them are placed in the area of Market St. where the strip clubs are. Now, I don't remember the names of any of these paper mags distributed in my home town but nothing as remarkable as that of SF's very own. So, if you ever visit San Francisco and need a date be sure and stroll down market street. Along the way you'll find newspaper machines carrying the latest edition of "YANK." Ah, the subtlety.

Posted by Old Prof at 12:55 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

So I've been getting these stupid emails about all kinds of "free" things lately. Well, it's all because i was up late the other night and clicked on a "free laptop" offer. I chose this as opposed to the ipod offers that have become so popular because it didn't require that I get anyone else to sign up as well. I don't need a laptop. I have a powerbook and it is the best thing ever. I live with this bloddy thing. Another laptop, especially a pc, is really a waste but I read free and saw dollar signs. Not that I immediately thought of selling it for cash but that the more something should cost the more interested I am in getting it for free, even if i don't need or really want the item. So, then began the firestorm of fake free offers. Hordes of emails claiming that I had "unclaimed prize money" with my name on it. All I have to do is sign up for more stupid offers. I think I'm done with that for awhile. Then again how many more of these things could they send me? They're all from the same people so they couldn't possibly be holding back some of their crap ads, reserving them for when I sign up for another stupid offer. So, who knows. I might be stupid or bored enough to sign up for another one.

So, I keep getting these offers and i checked my email yesterday and got this one:

Awesome right?! Yeah, totally awesome. But . . . I grew up in Las Vegas. That's not a vacation it's a visit. When you grew up somewhere getting a free trip there is like a joke. I would be going there anyway. It wouldn't really cost me much. I definitely don't want to have to go to some timeshare meeting or subscribe to some crappy coupon club for a trial period (after which they immediately start debiting my bank account way more than they could ever save me) just so I can get a free trip to where I'm going to go anyway. Vegas is not that exciting if you grew up there. I like it fine but I'm not facinated or interested in the casinos and I don't want to wear a satin shirt, fake tan and hang out at Club RA with other "tourists" and local jerk-offs.

I like visiting home but that's totally different than getting excited about a vacation. I don't want to stay at a hotel I want to stay in the guestroom and wake up to the smell of a German panckake coming out of the oven and apples sauted in cinnamon and sugar. I want to go to a UNLV basketball game and watch my mom yell at the refs. I want to go to El Steak Burrito. I want to check on my peach trees. The "Vegas Vacation" isn't really the kind of vacation I would be interested in anyway.

All in all, getting that "Free Vegas Vacation" offer was the best joke ever and they had no idea. Imagine if I was still there when I got this email. I just blew your mind with that one didn't I? I bet this doesn't really happen to people who grew up in Idaho.

Posted by Old Prof at 07:35 PM | Permalink | Comments (1)

So I've been getting these stupid emails about all kinds of "free" things lately. Well, it's all because i was up late the other night and clicked on a "free laptop" offer. I chose this as opposed to the ipod offers that have become so popular because it didn't require that I get anyone else to sign up as well. I don't need a laptop. I have a powerbook and it is the best thing ever. I live with this bloddy thing. Another laptop, especially a pc, is really a waste but I read free and saw dollar signs. Not that I immediately thought of selling it for cash but that the more something should cost the more interested I am in getting it for free, even if i don't need or really want the item. So, then began the firestorm of fake free offers. Hordes of emails claiming that I had "unclaimed prize money" with my name on it. All I have to do is sign up for more stupid offers. I think I'm done with that for awhile. Then again how many more of these things could they send me? They're all from the same people so they couldn't possibly be holding back some of their crap ads, reserving them for when I sign up for another stupid offer. So, who knows. I might be stupid or bored enough to sign up for another one.

So, I keep getting these offers and i checked my email yesterday and got this one:

Awesome right?! Yeah, totally awesome. But . . . I grew up in Las Vegas. That's not a vacation it's a visit. When you grew up somewhere getting a free trip there is like a joke. I would be going there anyway. It wouldn't really cost me much. I definitely don't want to have to go to some timeshare meeting or subscribe to some crappy coupon club for a trial period (after which they immediately start debiting my bank account way more than they could ever save me) just so I can get a free trip to where I'm going to go anyway. Vegas is not that exciting if you grew up there. I like it fine but I'm not facinated or interested in the casinos and I don't want to wear a satin shirt, fake tan and hang out at Club RA with other "tourists" and local jerk-offs.

I like visiting home but that's totally different than getting excited about a vacation. I don't want to stay at a hotel I want to stay in the guestroom and wake up to the smell of a German panckake coming out of the oven and apples sauted in cinnamon and sugar. I want to go to a UNLV basketball game and watch my mom yell at the refs. I want to go to El Steak Burrito. I want to check on my peach trees. The "Vegas Vacation" isn't really the kind of vacation I would be interested in anyway.

All in all, getting that "Free Vegas Vacation" offer was the best joke ever and they had no idea. Imagine if I was still there when I got this email. I just blew your mind with that one didn't I? I bet this doesn't really happen to people who grew up in Idaho.

Posted by Old Prof at 07:35 PM | Permalink | Comments (1)

Today, on the way home from work, a man asked me for some change. I was wearing my headphones listening to OCS. You prolly don't know who they are and you might not like them but I do and I was especially enjoying them during me walk home. That's not really pertinent to "the story" as I have decided to refer to "it." Also superfluous is the observation that the guy did not look all that destitute compared to most of the people who are generally asking for change. Today I was asked for change a lot and I even happened to have change on me most of the time. Now, I have no change. Again, this is not really "the story."

So, I was walking my way home from my new job when this guy asks for change and starts walking next to me. I saw that he wasn't deterred by the fact that I was listening to headphones (usually a good way to avoid being bothered) so I started to unzip my jacket pocket and dig for the few quarters I had put there earlier "just in case." I handed him the quarters and said, "here you go," or words to that effect. So then he asks me if I'm from England. Literally he said, "are you from England?" Well, I was wearing black pants and shoes, a white dress shirt, a red and yellow striped tie, a dark grey v-neck sweater, a tan vintage london fog jacket, and a smart red tartan scarf. Also, I was wearing my usual nerd glasses. I suppose I could have looked like a grown up Harrold Potter without the lightening bolt scar.

So, this was a total waste of your time. There is no punchline to this story. I said to the guy, "No, I'm from here." For whatever reason though, and I know a lot of you feel this way too, I really liked being mistaken for a Brit. There's something kind of lame and pretentious about enjoying that but I still enjoy it.

Ta.

Posted by Old Prof at 01:07 AM | Permalink | Comments (3)

Today, on the way home from work, a man asked me for some change. I was wearing my headphones listening to OCS. You prolly don't know who they are and you might not like them but I do and I was especially enjoying them during me walk home. That's not really pertinent to "the story" as I have decided to refer to "it." Also superfluous is the observation that the guy did not look all that destitute compared to most of the people who are generally asking for change. Today I was asked for change a lot and I even happened to have change on me most of the time. Now, I have no change. Again, this is not really "the story."

So, I was walking my way home from my new job when this guy asks for change and starts walking next to me. I saw that he wasn't deterred by the fact that I was listening to headphones (usually a good way to avoid being bothered) so I started to unzip my jacket pocket and dig for the few quarters I had put there earlier "just in case." I handed him the quarters and said, "here you go," or words to that effect. So then he asks me if I'm from England. Literally he said, "are you from England?" Well, I was wearing black pants and shoes, a white dress shirt, a red and yellow striped tie, a dark grey v-neck sweater, a tan vintage london fog jacket, and a smart red tartan scarf. Also, I was wearing my usual nerd glasses. I suppose I could have looked like a grown up Harrold Potter without the lightening bolt scar.

So, this was a total waste of your time. There is no punchline to this story. I said to the guy, "No, I'm from here." For whatever reason though, and I know a lot of you feel this way too, I really liked being mistaken for a Brit. There's something kind of lame and pretentious about enjoying that but I still enjoy it.

Ta.

Posted by Old Prof at 01:07 AM | Permalink | Comments (3)

Posted by at 01:39 PM | Permalink | Comments (5)

I'm always happy to find that my friends and others are actually reading my page. I hardly know who reads it or suspect that anyone does unless they leave comments, a rare thing indeed. I treasure your comments; like little Christmas presents I do.

When ever someone posts a comment to an entry I get an email notification about it. Some of these comments are from you my actual reading public. Some of them are from computers trying to fake me out and post fake comments with a link to their website. For months the only commercial links posted to my entries were for flower delivery websites. I thought that was sweet and nice enough but I didn't like being used like that so I deleted the comments. This morning I check my email and I see a new comment has been posted. I was excited, of course. Then I checked it. If you have never made a comment on here then you should know that you can post a name, email and webpage URL with your comment. This moirnings surprise turned out to be an ad for a she-male website. More funny than that is the comment left, "Great site, was just reading and doing some work when I found this page." HeShe could have added, "I was just taking a break from updating my transsexual interests website when I came across your weblog. I think you could stand to add more pictures to your site, in fact I could email some to you if you don't have very many. Anyhoo, I liked the site, keep up the good work. Oh, and be sure and check out my site and let me know what you think."

I'm just assuming it's a porn website. I suppose it's within the realm of possibility that there could be some she-male website that was purely marketed towards the she-male community with all kinds of she-male-centric news, fashion tips, and travel suggestions. I doubt that but since I'm neither a she-male nor am I interested in women with man parts or men with female parts and all of them being naked together, I will not be visiting that link.

I will be deleting this comment so if anyone out there reading thinks they might be interested in that website you can post a comment here, or email me. I've got it bookmarked.

Posted by Old Prof at 10:23 AM | Permalink | Comments (4)

I'm always happy to find that my friends and others are actually reading my page. I hardly know who reads it or suspect that anyone does unless they leave comments, a rare thing indeed. I treasure your comments; like little Christmas presents I do.

When ever someone posts a comment to an entry I get an email notification about it. Some of these comments are from you my actual reading public. Some of them are from computers trying to fake me out and post fake comments with a link to their website. For months the only commercial links posted to my entries were for flower delivery websites. I thought that was sweet and nice enough but I didn't like being used like that so I deleted the comments. This morning I check my email and I see a new comment has been posted. I was excited, of course. Then I checked it. If you have never made a comment on here then you should know that you can post a name, email and webpage URL with your comment. This moirnings surprise turned out to be an ad for a she-male website. More funny than that is the comment left, "Great site, was just reading and doing some work when I found this page." HeShe could have added, "I was just taking a break from updating my transsexual interests website when I came across your weblog. I think you could stand to add more pictures to your site, in fact I could email some to you if you don't have very many. Anyhoo, I liked the site, keep up the good work. Oh, and be sure and check out my site and let me know what you think."

I'm just assuming it's a porn website. I suppose it's within the realm of possibility that there could be some she-male website that was purely marketed towards the she-male community with all kinds of she-male-centric news, fashion tips, and travel suggestions. I doubt that but since I'm neither a she-male nor am I interested in women with man parts or men with female parts and all of them being naked together, I will not be visiting that link.

I will be deleting this comment so if anyone out there reading thinks they might be interested in that website you can post a comment here, or email me. I've got it bookmarked.

Posted by Old Prof at 10:23 AM | Permalink | Comments (4)

These are the most recent things i've writ that make me want to explode

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

i've never felt so free as i have
________________falling from atop the
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,Trapeze
======and i let out a [scream]
-----------------------------------------that hovered
____________________________over
..................................................................me
for just a moment
}}}}}}}}}}}}and broke
>>>>>>>>like a soapbubble
```````and sprinkled over everything
!!!while I layed there in the net
********slowly
~~~~~~~~~~~bouncing

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I feel them pushing their hands
pressing from the inside piercing
my belly and breast
to pull back the flesh and crawl out
8 blushing babies with pink putty bodies
and wide eyed wild smiles
dancing in circles with their
nobby fat fingers all woven together
and singing something only fresh babies could know
8 hot little hand grenades
exploding inside me dividing,
dividing. filling a sky with
their baby fat wings
they're trying so hard just to see
the outside of me. just for the chance
to pop and to bleed

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

tracing a pitted pavement vein so familiar
candle wax invades the air that smells to me
faintly of snow, though it is neither cold enough
nor far enough away from here to flake
and fall all white all over us
today, at least, it feels like a fall
and i'm looking for leaves to pile and scatter
to hide under hoping to be
invisible but thought about
and nowhere near to hearing you
call my attention
I want to be aquarium
and let all these things swim in me
for you to see, to tap at, and wonder
write stories about and draw pictures
so i can see those pieces and begin
to understand what crawls inside me
a performance piece entitled:
failure: a study of wasting

---------------------------------------------------------------------------

shattering glass finds
velocity that >>>tears
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> tears
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> tears

accidentally flung by the infliction
................................ of my feet

scuttling along the alleyway

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

crawling all night
burning the hell out of
every dumb gland that ever pressed
it's will against the shift of my hips
pushing air with a violence
pronounced loudly and not at all
i keep pressing the pen
through my hand
pulling all the wires from inside me
trying to know how this fading exhausts
how i'm left all out of affection
and pounding my heel on the floor
the succession of angers building
crumble from the top and
cover me cold & hot & fuming

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

if you are cold i'll light myself afire
and form a pile of ash at your feet
all crumbling misery
soon enough forgotten
expiring in use
all used and exhausted
all bitter and angry
all fuming and fighting
invisible
all this to make you say:
"what an epic waste of time"
"what a sorry sort of mess
he left here on the floor"
and somewhere i am
still adding up ciphers
hoping they will somehow fill the room
knowing all this is useless

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Posted by Old Prof at 11:55 AM | Permalink | Comments (4)

These are the most recent things i've writ that make me want to explode

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

i've never felt so free as i have
________________falling from atop the
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,Trapeze
======and i let out a [scream]
-----------------------------------------that hovered
____________________________over
..................................................................me
for just a moment
}}}}}}}}}}}}and broke
>>>>>>>>like a soapbubble
```````and sprinkled over everything
!!!while I layed there in the net
********slowly
~~~~~~~~~~~bouncing

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I feel them pushing their hands
pressing from the inside piercing
my belly and breast
to pull back the flesh and crawl out
8 blushing babies with pink putty bodies
and wide eyed wild smiles
dancing in circles with their
nobby fat fingers all woven together
and singing something only fresh babies could know
8 hot little hand grenades
exploding inside me dividing,
dividing. filling a sky with
their baby fat wings
they're trying so hard just to see
the outside of me. just for the chance
to pop and to bleed

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

tracing a pitted pavement vein so familiar
candle wax invades the air that smells to me
faintly of snow, though it is neither cold enough
nor far enough away from here to flake
and fall all white all over us
today, at least, it feels like a fall
and i'm looking for leaves to pile and scatter
to hide under hoping to be
invisible but thought about
and nowhere near to hearing you
call my attention
I want to be aquarium
and let all these things swim in me
for you to see, to tap at, and wonder
write stories about and draw pictures
so i can see those pieces and begin
to understand what crawls inside me
a performance piece entitled:
failure: a study of wasting

---------------------------------------------------------------------------

shattering glass finds
velocity that >>>tears
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> tears
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> tears

accidentally flung by the infliction
................................ of my feet

scuttling along the alleyway

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

crawling all night
burning the hell out of
every dumb gland that ever pressed
it's will against the shift of my hips
pushing air with a violence
pronounced loudly and not at all
i keep pressing the pen
through my hand
pulling all the wires from inside me
trying to know how this fading exhausts
how i'm left all out of affection
and pounding my heel on the floor
the succession of angers building
crumble from the top and
cover me cold & hot & fuming

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

if you are cold i'll light myself afire
and form a pile of ash at your feet
all crumbling misery
soon enough forgotten
expiring in use
all used and exhausted
all bitter and angry
all fuming and fighting
invisible
all this to make you say:
"what an epic waste of time"
"what a sorry sort of mess
he left here on the floor"
and somewhere i am
still adding up ciphers
hoping they will somehow fill the room
knowing all this is useless

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Posted by Old Prof at 11:55 AM | Permalink | Comments (4)

I know everybody is waiting for me to tell them the newest and coolest things to say and I don't think I can put it off any longer cause you guys are saying the lamest things right now. I love you but it's true. Some of you will know these already from our personal consultations but the rest of you need to be brought up to speed. Here goes:

First off, the word "lingo" used to refer to special vernacular speech is now a "thing" and not merely "a category of things". Therefore a cool word is "a lingo," and by the end of this post you will have learned many important, usefull, and hip "lingos."

Second, "damn" is now "damb." Don't question it. In some ways "damn" always was "damb."

Thirdly, the word "thirdly." This is not really a new word just one that is quite underused. I recommend, nay command, you to refer to more things with the quality of thirdness. I also suggest rampant reference to the "thirdness" of certain things. Which things? All things which can be said to be in a state of thirdness.

Fourthly, "before" is boring. It's now "befroe." Don't question it.

Fifthly, "dreamy" is a fine discriptor of an attractive member of the opposite sex but everybody uses that now and it is kind of superficial since it is mainly a description of physical appearance. The new/old thing to say about the person you are entrenched in imfatuation with is that they are "the most." As in, "he/she's the most," or "baby, you're the most."

That's all I can give you for now. If you are faithful and use these new lingos with wisdom and skill I will add to your growing knowledge of awesome. You all know "awesome" is a noun and not an adjective, right?

Posted by Old Prof at 12:38 PM | Permalink | Comments (2)

I know everybody is waiting for me to tell them the newest and coolest things to say and I don't think I can put it off any longer cause you guys are saying the lamest things right now. I love you but it's true. Some of you will know these already from our personal consultations but the rest of you need to be brought up to speed. Here goes:

First off, the word "lingo" used to refer to special vernacular speech is now a "thing" and not merely "a category of things". Therefore a cool word is "a lingo," and by the end of this post you will have learned many important, usefull, and hip "lingos."

Second, "damn" is now "damb." Don't question it. In some ways "damn" always was "damb."

Thirdly, the word "thirdly." This is not really a new word just one that is quite underused. I recommend, nay command, you to refer to more things with the quality of thirdness. I also suggest rampant reference to the "thirdness" of certain things. Which things? All things which can be said to be in a state of thirdness.

Fourthly, "before" is boring. It's now "befroe." Don't question it.

Fifthly, "dreamy" is a fine discriptor of an attractive member of the opposite sex but everybody uses that now and it is kind of superficial since it is mainly a description of physical appearance. The new/old thing to say about the person you are entrenched in imfatuation with is that they are "the most." As in, "he/she's the most," or "baby, you're the most."

That's all I can give you for now. If you are faithful and use these new lingos with wisdom and skill I will add to your growing knowledge of awesome. You all know "awesome" is a noun and not an adjective, right?

Posted by Old Prof at 12:38 PM | Permalink | Comments (2)